My Private Thoughts... On the Web.

04:00 pm

Last night R, T and I drove all the way out to where Tates Creek Road dead-ends in another county at the ferry. There's a medium-sized pond there over which an ancient ferry transports cars back and forth during the day—or used to, if it’s still in effect. The sky was perfectly clear that night so we wanted to get out of the confines of the city, away from the suffocating lights, to really see the stars.

After miles of winding country roads, we reached the ferry; we parked at the top of the hill and began walking down the slope to the water. One of us—I don’t remember who—said off-the-cuff, “This would be a great place to go skinny-dipping.” After a hesitant pause, reveling in the brilliance of that idea, we all just turned and looked at each other, started laughing, and, without a word, stripped naked. We left our clothes half-way up the hill so they wouldn’t get wet and frolicked down to the water, giggling all the way. On the way down, I slipped on a patch of mud and fell right on my butt. Falling in general can be pretty funny, but oh man, falling NAKED? Downright hilarious. We laughed for about an hour about that until we found something else to laugh about—like the way T's butt rose above the water when she did flips because it’s too voluptuous to stay under or the bubbles that rise from the water when you squish your toes in the muddy bottom.

The view from the water was incredible. Looking up, you could see the Milky Way stretched clear across the sky, bubbling out of Sagittarius. It was a gorgeous sight to behold, one that makes you hold your breath and lock eyes with those around you, to make sure they saw it too. And one look in their eyes tells you they did.

We got out at 12:30 in the morning to start drying off before heading back into town. As we stood naked in the downward slope of the road, two blinding beams of a car’s headlights hit us from around the bend. So there we were—three naked teenage girls dripping with pond water, laughing and chatting, all of a sudden frozen by the beams of headlights. T and R made a dash for their clothes, while I reverted to infancy, scurried to the side of the road, and peed from fright and shock. R was standing two feet in front of me, laughing her head off. The car was only turning around, thank goodness, and took off in the other direction before any of us could scamper into our clothes, or, in my case, finish peeing. It was terrifying and exhilarating and the adrenaline from the whole night’s experience lit a fire in our blood.

Driving back, we sang along to the Dixie Chicks, blasting from the CD player. Winding the beautiful backroads of Kentucky, smoking Black milds out the window, and reveling in our youth, we were so glad to be alive.

These are the memories I’ll miss when I finally leave Kentucky.

11:29 pm

How old were you when you first...

1. Smoked weed? 16

2. Got kissed?: 14

3. Stayed in the hospital?: never

4. Got your heart broken?: This is debatable. But I'd say 16.

5. Lost a pet?: 13

6. Got arrested?: never

8. Broken a bone? 13

9. Got a job?: 17

10. Got cheated on?: never, that I know of...

11. Rode the city bus? never. that's pathetic, I know.

12. Went to a concert? 14

13. Met someone famous?: 2, I think. Al Gore :)

14. Got in a fight? Ohh sisterhood.

15. Rode on a plane? 8 months

16. Got your own cell phone?: 14

17. Got a MySpace account?: 13

18. Snuck out of the house? 14

19. Drove a car?: 15

20. Got your own digital camera?: 15

21. Went to a Funeral? 8

22. Got Engaged?: not applicable

23. Got married?: not applicable

24. Got drunk?: 15

25. Bought a house? not applicable

26. Bought a car? not applicable

27. Went out of the country?: 9

Sorry I'm so boring. Meh.
Better survey some other time. For now, sleep. I was up all night drunk and high yesterday, hahah. Ennui indeed. ;)

04:53 pm

You know how everyone has that one drinking experience where they go a little bit too far, get really sick, and learn from it? Yeah, I think I had mine last night...

It was me, M, S, T and H all at M's uncle’s house. We had two fifths of alcohol (one Smirnoff Watermelon Vodka and one Captain Morgan Parrot Bay Mango Rum) and the five of us finished them within four hours. …That is ridiculous. Considering S and H didn’t have all that much themselves, M, T, and I each had approximately HALF of a fifth to ourselves. Holy crap, that is a lot of shots. Usually FOUR gets me pretty drunk… There are about 25 shots in an entire fifth, so I probably had 12 or 13. That’s just me guessing, because I lost track after 7. STUPID STUPID STUPID.

The thing that really pisses me off is that I got to this point where I was pleasantly drunk—-quite drunk, but not sick or out of control, mind you—-and then I just kept drinking. Ughhh STUPID. I was already feeling really sick by 3 in the morning, so I just went to bed with only a glass and a half of water in my system. Real bright, Rach. Gotta hand it to you on that one. So, obviously, I wake up later really ill. Like, REALLY ill. I think I was still a bit drunk. Every time I moved it was vertigo and nausea and a throbbing in my head. Bad news. I went to the bathroom and after a long while, finally threw up. It freaked me the fuck out though—it wasn’t normal vomit; it was thick and NEON yellow. Like stomach bile, but more viscous. …And neon. WEIRD. I vomited that up twice and felt a little better. I took that window of opportunity to drive home where thankfully I found the house empty. As I was prepping for my shower, I vomited in the tub, in the toilet and in the sink. Yuck. Way to go. Really, way to go. I felt really stupid. Probably cause I am… really... quite... stupid. UGHHH. Anyway. So that’s that. No more drinking for this one for a looooong ass time. Not even kidding. LONG TIME. BLEHHH.

05:15 pm

Everything everything everything lately
has been complete shit.

Chronic back pain, chronic stress.
Side effects of insomnia and depression.

And where are my friends when I need them?

Dinner last night with B fell through.
Know why?
He forgot about me.
HE FORGOT.

And, in a moment of weakness, I broke down
and left a tearful voicemail on a friend's machine.
That was 9:45 pm last night.

It is 5:15 pm the next day and I have yet to hear from her.

Is it too much to ask for my friends to care a little?

I've been painfully attentive lately, as I strive to be always. I took pre-prom pictures of her and her date, and lavished her with compliments (she really did look stunning). And yet I call in a time of need and she can't do me the justice to call me back.

BUT she does have time to post meaningless bulletins on Myspace about prom pictures.


I am ready to leave, thanks.
Lexington is wearing on my nerves and
none of my friends--true friends, who don't mind me inconveniencing them every now and then--
none of them live here anymore.

07:21 pm

09:00 pm

Don't you LOVE it when you make out with a guy and...

1) ...he tells you he drank a pint of bourbon in an attempt to forget it but he couldn't.

2) ...he tells you he's going to go to hell for kissing a 16-year-old.

3) ...he apologizes a million times because HE was the sober one and he just "couldn't resist you."

4) ...the hickeys last longer than the relationship.



Oh, life.

06:35 pm

*Updated 3/10/06* (hah)

1. Have you ever been drunk?
Nope. Never.

2. How old were you the first time you got drunk?
15

3. Have you ever gotten/given digits while intoxicated?
once

4. Have you ever drunk dialed?
yes

5. Have you ever been drunk in front of family members?
yes, but only coming in at night. and I can hide it pretty well.

6. Have you ever had to cover up the fact that you were drunk?
yes

7. Have you ever been arrested for any alcohol related crime?
no

8. Have you ever hooked-up with someone while drunk?
thrice

9. Ever forgotten their name?
no

10. When was the last time you were drunk?
this past saturday night

11. Have you ever been on a drunken binge?
no

12. Do you need alcohol to have a good time?
no

13. What kind of alcohol gets you the most intoxicated?
tequila

14. Favorite liquor:
tequila, beer, and, uh, bitch drinks

15. Favorite beer:
milwaukee lite

16. Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking and found out that you were still drunk?
no

17. Have you ever swam drunk?
no

18. What kind of a drunk are you?
happy and quite amusing, I'm told

19. Is alcohol like "truth serum" to you?
sometimes... haha

20. Favorite drinking partners:
B and R

21. Favorite bar?
I'll tell you when I'm legal

22. Have you ever completely blacked out?
no

23. Have you ever puked from drinking?
no

24. Have you ever had the 'crying drunks'?
yes, once. it was stupid

25. Can you still do physical activity while intoxicated?
umm depends haha

26. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight?
no

27. Who is the most annoying drunk that you know?
Jesse

28. Who is the most flirtatious drunk?
Catherine

29. Do you have a drunken nickname?
no

32. Favorite song(s) about drinking:
"I Smoke I Drank" by Mr. Magic & Lil' Boosie

34. Have you ever been hit on by someone way older?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Yes. Good times.

36. Have you ever dated a bartender or bouncer or cocktail waitress?
no

37. Do you ever say to yourself, "Fuck, I need a Beer"?
haha, yeah, but not often

38. Do strangers ever buy you drinks?
yes

39. Have you ever drank too much?
probably

40. Is there anything that you refuse to drink?
sake is disgusting. i had it once and it tasted like warm vinegar. gross.

41. Have you ever been drunk on a plane?train?bus?car?bike?
on a bike. and in a car, but I wasn't driving.

42. Have you ever gotten drunk during the day?
no

43. Have you ever had to run from the cops and leave the beer behind?
yes

44. What's your favorite drinking game?
chugging

45. Have you ever injured yourself while drunk?
yes, minorly

46. What's the most destructive thing that you have done while you were drunk?
destroyed a relationship. but that was going downhill anyway.

47. Ever been drunk at a concert?
no

48. Is this survey getting too long
yeah, but I'm bored anyway, so whatever

49. Are you ready for the last question?
sure

50. Why do you drink?
Because I like to on occasion and I don't overdo it. Plus, it makes for some damn good stories.

03:24 pm

I can't tell my dreams from reality
and vice versa.

I feel like I am losing grip of my sanity.

08:24 pm

He said "I love you" for the first time in person last night.
I said: "Well that's good."

03:12 pm

Today I bought condoms so my 15-year-old friend could lose his virginity to his girlfriend. She told him she was ready, so what the heck. I'd rather have them be safe if they're gonna do it at all at this point, so I bought some and delivered them to her house. Did I mention she works on the newspaper staff at school and I am her editor? Hahahahaha.

Awk-ward. (for them)
FUN-NY. (for me)

09:40 pm

Today my boyfriend told me he loves me in a really beautiful letter. And what did I do? Did I grin into my hands and giggle like a girl? Did I jump up and down in unrestrained glee? Did my heart skip a beat and constrict with a tight, fearful happiness? No. What did I do? I burst into hysterical tears, heaving and sobbing into my arms, overwhelmed by what I’d read. My stomach was churning, so I did the only thing I knew in that moment.

I called CC to calm me down, which she did with brilliant ease. With just the right words, she soothed my bristled emotions and relaxed the knot of fear winding in my gut.

However calmer, I am still left with an unshakeable disconcerting feeling as to why I reacted so intensely and emotionally. Was it purely an irrational response to finally seeing those famed three little words? Was it just an excuse to release pent-up teenage drama? Was it a gut wrenching moment of realization that I am unable to detect, more or less feel, love from those around me?

Or, was it simply an overwhelming sense of guilt that I’m not there yet, and perhaps never will be?

05:32 pm

MY LAST NIGHT:

* I smoked pot for the first time. With my teacher's 19-year-old son. Ha.
* Drank pop rock martinis in a high class bar with some friends.
* Stood outside in the cold.
* Loitered in Waffle House.
* Ate carrot cake.
* Went to bed at 4:45 am

10:44 pm

I just finished watching a movie. The movie--not so good. But the song at the end was incredible. And it made me cry. So before the feeling could leave me, I took a penny outside on my deck and stood in the cold, biting rain and made a wish. Then I came inside and called my best friend in the world and told her that I loved her. She was out to eat with a friend and I felt so stupid and ridiculous and fucking crazy, but. I don't really care about any of that because I love her so much and I just had to tell her that in that minute.

And to be honest, I'm scared about relationships right now. I'm in an amazing one and I like this guy more than I've ever.. I don't know how to qualify it. When is it legitimate? Am I rash or impulsive or just plain teenage crazy? What is going on.

But it's exciting. I'm just scared. We have 8 months together--who knows if it'll even last that long. God I hope so.

I wish I could write beautifully like CC about the way I feel and the way the clouds look at night when you're seeing them through someone else's eyes and the way handholding is underrated and necking in cars is overrated and not sound so utterly ridiculous like I do now.

03:01 pm

I am very ecstatically happy at this point in my life.
And I don't know what else there is to say than that.

09:01 pm

Sometimes I bubble around, bouncing around social circles, fitting in each one, however differently. My best friends call me a lot, we laugh and embarrass ourselves in rental video stores, we go out to eat.

And sometimes I feel like I don't have any friends at all--no one to really just be there for me always.

Sure, there's B and A and R... But they're all away at college, the closest of which is 300-odd miles away. And then there's the whole B being in town this weekend, and well. Busy as hell.

Then there's C. We're kind of drifting apart. And it kills me kills me kills me to say that. Of course, I hope we'll just drift apart and closer naturally throughout our lives. I'm still convinced I'll never NOT know her closely.

Then, of course, E. Oh, E. She's my best friend in town. She listens to my insane rants, puts up with all my crazy quirks, confides in me, comes to me to cry, lets me cry to her, etc, etc. She's everything I need in a best friend. Except. I don't know. I love her--I need her--but I feel like I'm still missing something. No one's at fault, I'm sure, it's just something else I need I'm not getting.

Is it a boy? But I'm not dependent on boys for relationships.
Maybe I'm just lonely becuse I always see E with D?
Is that it?
I don't know.

All I know is I'm not as content as I want to be.
And I'm hoping it's just a phase.
Please be just a phase.

08:30 pm - Jesus was a crossmaker.

So my best friend is coming in from town from the college she attends 300 miles away, and everyone wants to see her--family, friends, etc. It's understandable, but her schedule is so packed that I don't know if she'll have much time to spend with me. I mean, of course we'll see each other. I'm about 1/3 of the reason she's even coming down to visit. But still. I just wish I would see her for a lot longer this weekend.

Oh well.
I guess I'll just have to look at it this way:
At least I get to see her at all, which I wouldn't if she wasn't coming down this weekend.

It's just kind of disheartening.

01:23 pm

It's a gorgeous day today.

I spent it sitting in the big oak tree, crying my eyes out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to spend my whole life unhappy in a world of beauty.

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be.
Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy.
And I use these words pretty loosely.
There's so much more to life than words.
[Over the Rhine]

02:45 pm

My sister and I like the same boy.
I've liked him a lot, for a long time.
She's liked him quite a bit, but not for as long.

But when we talked about it, I pretended it didn't matter and told her to go for him if she wanted, I didn't really mind. In fact, it was just a simple crush, I'd be over it tomorrow.

Then I went back to my room and cried.

Why did I say that when ever fiber in my being was railing against it.
I guess I just didn't want conflict with her over a BOY.

I won't think anything of him a few months from now, but I'll ALWAYS have her.

And besides.

I love my sister more than I will ever--could ever--love a boy.

01:28 pm - And then there was one.

One of my best friends left for college yesterday. She's on a quarter system, so she started later than practically everyone else. The night before she left--Thursday--we sat together in her car and talked and cried and promised. She said it was so bizarre that she was actually leaving for college. Everyone else had already left and she felt like she'd been stuck in limbo--she felt like she was still in high school and she'd just been waiting around, killing time.


But, she's gone now.
And now I'm the one left in limbo.

10:19 pm - I like nebulas and I want to go parasailing someday.